Mocha and Memories
by ohJoy
Summary: [AU] A bittersweet, angst-filled rant about love, consequences and what to do next... Sango and Miroku.
1. Angst Over a Mocha

**Mocha and Memories**  
Chapter One: Angst Over a Mocha  
By: OhJoy 

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I don't even remember driving home. I have no idea. I don't even know how I made it to the airport or checked into the hotel or ended up in a coffee house. But that's where I'm at, curled up on big comfy chair sipping a mocha. The consequences of what I've done hit me. Like a ton of bricks. No, more like being hit by a bus. I walked away from a man that did nothing but love me. He cherished me. He adored me. He made me his queen. But I didn't feel the same way. Oh, sure. I tried. I really, really, really, tried. But then again, there is no try. There's only do or do not. I obviously chose "do not" no matter how much I said I wanted to "do."

We were together for a while and I guess when it came down to it, I made the wrong choice. What am I saying 'together' for? We were married. For a long grueling heartache filled five years. Today, we signed the documents that 'dissolved' our marriage. I find it funny that the courts don't even call it divorce.

"Please sign here and here," a feminine voice said. I absently picked up a pen and signed my name as she requested. Then pushed the paper to my left for his signature.

"Ok, that's it. You will receive copies for your records in the mail within ten business days," the female's voice continued. "Enjoy your weekend."

I guess, I'm sad because I failed at marriage. I never wanted that. I wanted to get married only once and live happily ever after with the love of my life, have lots of children, and watch them grow. And grow old with my love. But it didn't happen because I made the wrong choice, and now I feel like I don't know what to do any more.

Two weeks after our first date, I moved in with him. Five years later, we divorced. Who would have thought that a rebound relationship would last nearly twice as long?

I just have to shake my head, because I swear at the time I met my ex I wasn't hurt any more, that I wasn't pining over someone else. That I wanted a man that openly showed me his love and put me above all else. But I failed at the other half to that – that I wanted to love the one that loved me. I guess I just really fooled myself. Actually, I managed to fool the entire world. Because when we broke up, everyone was surprised. All our family, all our friends, they had no idea. Even my ex, he had no idea that I didn't love him like I said I did. I never showed him any love except for saying it. I would say one thing and do something completely contradictory. We weren't lovers, well, we did do it on occasion, but only when I was totally dying for it and even then it wasn't 'making love' it was more like satisfying a physical urge, like going to the bathroom when you absolutely can't hold it anymore.

I know I destroyed his self-esteem. I know I destroyed his happiness. But I also destroyed my dreams of love and happiness. Don't I deserve to be happy? Being with him was slowly killing my spirit. I couldn't be with him anymore, so I left him. And now I'm alone. I guess that's ok. I would rather be alone for the right reason than be in a loveless marriage for the sake of being with someone.

Here's the thing, I was in love once. Head over heels, make your soul sing in love. With the most amazing man that I ever had the pleasure to know. He was like the sun on a warm spring day. He was so kind, so gentle, so balanced. He was my spiritual center.

We dated. Oh did we date. I met him through a friend at work. He was a charmer, that's for sure. It was love at first sight, if there was ever a thing. Our relationship was tumultuous to say the least. Although throughout our time together we never actually got beyond dating. I think we were both a little too scared to ever say how we really felt. At least I knew I was. He was always such a flirt. He never even tried to hide that from me, so I guess it was my own fault for not setting the boundaries in the beginning.

I guess I was foolish to believe that I was the only one for him. But how could I not? We would spend entire weekends together where it was just me and him. Like we were the only two in the world. Then one night, he said he had a date while I was spending the weekend with him! I still get so mad when I think of that night! I was furious. I walked out on him. I didn't stop to hear what lame excuse he had for hurting me. Or why he even thought that was acceptable. I walked out on him and never looked back. That was five and a half years ago.

I've thought about him, every now and then. I hear he moved to San Francisco, I guess that's the real reason why I decided to come here. Sort of a vacation, but more like a spiritual retreat. Just time to myself where no one knows me. Not that I even know where he lives. San Francisco is a big city and I wouldn't even know where to start. I mean, he may not even live here anymore. But I figure, what the hell? Two weeks in San Francisco can't be that bad if he lived here. The mocha is soothing, a chilly breeze hits me every now and then. This is a busy place, the door is always opening and closing. I like the feel of the warm cup in my hands. Sigh. Maybe I'll get a massage when I return to my hotel. Ok, the door opening every five seconds is starting to bug me...

"Sango?" I heard someone call my name.

"Sango, is that really you?"

What the hell? No one knows I'm here. I look up at the voice. Oh shit. I guess my thoughts called him forth into the coffee house.

"Hi, Miroku. How are you?"


	2. Reconnection

**Mocha and Memories**  
Chapter Two: Reconnection  
By: OhJoy

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_Previously..._

"_Sango, is that really you?"_

_What the hell? No one knows I'm here. I look up at the voice. Oh shit. I guess my thoughts called him forth into the coffee house._

"_Hi, Miroku. How are you?"_

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It took everything out of me to remain calm. Of course, of all the coffee houses in this entire city, he had to walk into... he had to pick this one. I gazed deeply into those warm violet eyes that I loved so much. I wanted to launch myself into his arms and wrap my entire body around him. But modesty prevailed.

"Y-you look amazing," he said, his eyes sparkling.

I smiled at him. I placed my mocha on the table. "Thanks. You look well." I noticed he had his coffee drink in a paper "to go" cup. He wasn't planning on lingering here.

He settled into the sofa next to my comfy chair. He pulled open his jacket and unraveled his scarf to reveal his strong neck and a hint of his muscular chest. Sigh. How I would love to run my tongue –

"So, what brings you to the Bay area," his voice as warm as my mocha.

"A bit of a vacation," I answered. I have no idea what his life is like now. He could have a girlfriend or a wife...

"Really? That's great to hear. How long are you in town?" He reached for his paper cup and took a sip, all the while his eyes never left mine.

I was beginning to get anxious. This small talk was nerve-wracking. I suppose that's how a conversation begins with someone to "catch up" with. Sigh. I answered his question, "Um, two weeks."

He nodded, "Where are you staying?"

"The W Hotel on—"

"Third Street. There's only one in the city. Pretty swank. Good choice." He took another sip. "How've you been?"

I dropped my eyes, how do I answer that? How do I tell him that I went on with my life? That I feel as though I betrayed the very concept of love? I couldn't. I simply shrugged and quirked an eyebrow.

He ran a hand through his thick hair and sighed, "You know I still think of you. Every now and then, out of the blue you pop into my head." His eyes searched mine, for something, I'm not quite sure. I had no idea how to react to that.

I just nodded. "Me too."

"All this time, I've never had a girlfriend. I've dated and been with women. But, you know," he shrugged. "Nothing serious."

"Huh. Why doesn't that surprise me?" I asked ruefully. "Haven't met any one that lit you up?"

His eyes sparkled. "There was this one girl a couple of years ago..."

My heart sank. He did move on with his life after all. I shouldn't be surprised that he met someone else. "Oh, yeah? How'd that go?" I fought to keep the heartache from my voice.

"I screwed it up. I set myself up," he almost sounded bitter.

I laughed nervously. I definitely didn't want to talk about any of his ex's. "That doesn't sound like you, Miroku. You don't do anything that you don't want to." It was his turn to sigh. "So what happened?"

"I pissed her off. I lost her," came his despondent reply.

Ok, shatter my heart even more. I **so** didn't want to hear about him loving another woman and his heartache. I wanted to be that woman. I wanted so badly to be the woman he longs for, the woman that brought that wistful look into his eyes. Sigh. I knew it wasn't me, but I suppose there's always wishful thinking.

I guess he felt my uneasiness, he switched the topic to me and asked, "So, shouldn't you be married with kids by now?"

I shrugged and picked up my cup from the table. It was almost empty. "Funny you should ask." I looked into his eyes and refused to let mine waiver. "I just signed my divorce papers this morning."

His beautiful eyes clouded, "Oh... How long were you together?"

"Five years."

"Oh," was that disappointment in his eyes, his voice? "Who did you marry?"

"Kuranosuke Takeda."

He nodded. He knew Kuranosuke. I told him about Kuranosuke while we were dating, I guess at the time I was hoping it would elicit some feeling of jealousy. His eyes wandered over to the front door, I guess he was getting uncomfortable talking to me. Looked like he wanted to leave.

"Any kids?" his gaze wandered back to hold mine.

I nodded, "My son is three and half." His reaction was like I punched him. He fell back on the sofa, his eyes looked bewildered. He ran his hand through his hair.

"Whoa. I wasn't expecting that. Really? You have a son?" I didn't know what else to say, I just nodded once. Oh, Miroku. Please don't judge me. Don't make me wrong for going on with my life. I lost you, I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to go through life without being loved.

"How old is your boy?" he definitely looked lost, like his head was swimming with what I just told him.

"Three and a half."

"Is he here with you?" His eyes darted around the coffee house.

"No, he's on vacation with his father. They're in New York." He looked a little better, almost like he composed himself.

He smiled, "Sorry, that just wasn't anything I was expecting. But you're a beautiful woman, Sango. Of course, Kuranosuke wanted to marry you and make you his. Why did you guys break up?"

His eyes held the warmth once again. Whatever he thought earlier was now gone. I didn't know what else to say to him. The truth is always good, I suppose.

"I didn't love him and it broke my heart to be with him," I sighed. "He was really pissed. He still is, but I couldn't continue to be with him. It would have broken my spirit. The break up was hard on him."

"I bet," he commented, his tone neutral – as if we were talking about the weather. His cell phone rang and I remained silent as he answered, "Miroku here... shit!" He glanced down at his watch. "No, no, I will be there.... I was getting coffee and ran into an old friend... Sorry, Yash, I'll be right there. See you in a bit." He flipped his phone closed and looked at me with such an intensity that I nearly melted. "I have to go."

I nodded. "It was really nice seeing you." We both stood and smiled. Thanking all 108 Kamis that I wore high-heeled boots so we were nearly the same height. He took me into his arms and enveloped me in his warmth. Gods, I nearly creamed my panties. He smelled so good, clean, fresh – like a meadow in the spring. I felt his arms tighten and brought me even closer to him. He buried his face in my hair and ran a hand up my back to hold my hair. His other hand went down to my waist and stopped at my hip. Gods, we fit together so perfectly. His hugs always left me feeling so wanted, so desired. I loved how close we were. Thigh to thigh. Stomach to stomach. Chest to chest. The only thing keeping us apart was our clothes. I felt him relax against me and sigh into my hair. It sent shivers through my body and with a final squeeze we separated.

"I'd like to go grab a beer with you. Can I call you?" he asked. His hands still at my waist. I let my hands drift from his shoulders to his chest. Even with the barrier of his sweater, I could feel the heat from his body.

I smiled. "You can always call me."

He kissed me on my forehead and said, "Good."

And he was gone. He walked out of the coffee house without a glance backwards. Sigh. What was I expecting? A declaration of undying love? Hmmm, that would be nice. But that wouldn't be Miroku, no that was Kuranosuke.

To be continued... 

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Thank you for your reviews and encouragement. This story really has a life beyond the original One-Shot I had planned.

:) Joy


	3. Cosmopolitan Warmth

**Mocha and Memories**  
Chapter Three: Cosmopolitan Warmth  
By: OhJoy

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The bench was kinda cold. But the view of the sunset was amazing. Sigh. Somewhere in Golden Gate Park, with the sun setting. Romantic, but not exactly safe. Not good. I stood up and wrapped my scarf a little more around my neck. I began to wander in the general direction of east. I figured I'll hit a street soon and hail a cab.

I passed the empty Children's Playground and ended up on Waller Street. I've gotten good at hailing a cab. It only took three tries this time. The cab driver was pleasant enough, although he smelled as if he hadn't showered in a few days.

The concierge greeted me as I approached him. His handsome face beamed with a warm smile, "Good evening, Ms. Takeda."

I simply nodded and returned his smile with one of my own. Note to self: File the necessary documents to use my maiden name. Once inside the grand lobby, I opened my jacket and pulled off my scarf. Grumble. Growl. Mmm... belly empty. Eat. Food. That's a good idea. I wandered to the hotel restaurant. I had to laugh at the name – "XYZ." I guess that's what comes after W. I giggled.

The hostess was some young, hip, scantily clad chick. I'll never get used to the idea of having to flash skin to make one feel attractive. Argh, stop passing judgment, Sango!

"Good evening," the chick greeted me with a placid smile.

I smiled, I guess I haven't really stopped. "Dinner for one."

"Right this way, ma'am." She sashayed through the restaurant and led me to a small table in the back that would comfortably seat two.

Ma'am... she called me ma'am. Shit. Am I looking that old? No, she was just really young. All right whatever. I guess, I should just admit it. I'm still on my damn Miroku high. Nothing was going to wipe this smile off my face. Nothing was going to bring me down.

Not that he's made an effort to contact me. It's been eight days since I ran into him that coffee house. I've avoided that particular coffee house ever since. Maybe I'm scared of running into him. Maybe? Probably. Definitely.

But damn, did he look good! I've caught myself daydreaming, ok fantasizing, of running my hands through his thick hair. What it would be like to lay skin to skin with him. To feel his hands on –

"Good evening," a deep masculine voice interrupted my erotic thoughts.

I looked up to see a dashingly handsome – ok, really hot, server. Blond, tall, sparkling blue eyes. I couldn't help it, my smile widened. "Hi," I breathed.

"May I bring you something to drink?" He was courteous, not hitting on me. Too bad.

"Mmm... I'll take a Stoli Cosmopolitan." He nodded in acknowledgement and walked away. Oh, my. Nice ass. Sigh. I'm becoming a damn lecher. Time to see the menu offerings and get my mind out of the gutter.

The Cosmopolitan was heady. It's been a while since I got shit-faced. Not that I'm drunk right now. Just a warm fuzzy buzz. I giggled. Did I just giggle? Gods... I hardly ever giggled anymore. At least not while I was married, that's for sure.

Sigh. Whatever possessed me to marry Kuranosuke? Oh, yeah. I was about five and a half months pregnant at the time. Why the hell was I pregnant? Oh, yeah. I got this brilliant idea... Kuranosuke was always complaining that I really didn't want to be with him. I was sick of hearing it from him. I was living with him for Kami's sake! He met all my family and friends. Everyone knew he was my boyfriend, a title I didn't bestow casually. What more did he want?

So that's when I came up with the brilliant idea of having his baby. After all, what says "I love you and I'll be with you forever" more than a baby? He was ecstatic at my suggestion. In a month after I stopped taking the Pill, I was pregnant. Then on my birthday, he proposed to me. Sheesh. Talk about a guilt trip. He rented this cheesy limo and took me to a restaurant on the beach.

Another example of how much he didn't know me. Any one that knew me would know that limos don't impress me. During college, one of my roommate's boyfriend's family owned a limo company. We would gallivant all over Southern California in a limo as we drank and partied it up as only college kids knew. Nope. Been there, done that. Limos: Not impressive.

Anyways, what was I supposed to say to him? No? Not really cool, especially when my belly was out to there with his kid. Sigh. Thank the Kamis that my son became the love of my life! He **is** love. Nothing but. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

The past year and a half or so with Kuranosuke was sheer hell, our relationship just came apart at the seams. I guess, the bubble gum and shoestrings I used to keep it together wasn't strong enough, huh? I still came out of that relationship with so much. My son being number one on the list. Immediately after that would be my sense of self. I realized that I was just being human when I chose Kuranosuke. I was also in denial that he wasn't "the One" for me. But that's ok. We all make mistakes. I get that.

The biggest thing I learned through all this? Forgiveness. I forgive myself everyday for the hurt I caused Kuranosuke. I forgive him everyday for the anger he lashes out at me. Most of all, I forgive myself for simply being human and acknowledge that really "to err is human."

Even today, I forgive Miroku for not calling or stopping by the hotel so we can "go grab a beer." And I also forgive myself for really, really, really, wanting to "go grab a beer" with him. Sigh.

My Miroku. I wonder what his life is like now. Back then he was bartending, saving money for his world travels, and practicing his golf swing. He was always looking for the next "big deal" to take him over the top. I wouldn't exactly call him a swindler. Nah, he had more honor than that. Although some of the things that came out of his mouth... Sigh. No, I would call him a visionary, an opportunist, an entrepreneur.

Mmm... this Cosmopolitan seems to be bottomless. I giggled. Again? Nah, I think this is my second. Mmm. Better finish my linguini, some carbs to soak up the alcohol. It's still an early night.

"Ms. Takeda?"

I looked up at the feminine voice. Eeww, the nearly naked chick was back. I raised a brow, and replied, "Yes."

She placed a cordless phone on the table next to my glass, "There's a call for you."

I frowned. Who? Huh? I rolled my eyes. Not my mom again. I picked up the phone and said, "This is Sango."

"Ah, Sango. You are never in your room. Didn't I tell you to stay there and wait for me?" came the warm teasing voice over the line.

"Miroku," I sighed into the phone. A flurry of butterflies took flight from my tummy.

_To be continued...._

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A big thank you to **FlamingRedFox** for the short lesson in honorifics and clarifying Kuranosuke's name for me!

Thanks for reading!  
:) Joy


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